


Then and Now

by AudreyV



Series: I'd Do Anything For Her [3]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angry Sex, Begging, Boss/Employee Relationship, Canon Bisexual Character, Complicated Relationships, Dirty Talk, F/F, Fingerfucking, First Time, Infidelity, Lesbian Sex, Oral Sex, Power Dynamics, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 20:24:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6165661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AudreyV/pseuds/AudreyV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was 36 the second time it happened. The memory of the first time had burned inside her for years, but it stopped being enough the day Annalise betrayed her.</p><p>--<br/>Spoilers for "I Want You to Die."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then and Now

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was uncooperative and it's taken ages to get to something that feels right. I couldn't have done it without the invaluable help and advice of fellow HTGAWM femslash enthusiast aboutelle. 
> 
> I would love it if you'd share your feedback, constructive criticism and Bonnalise-love in the comments. :)

The first time it happened, they were celebrating their first big win. Annalise was used to winning, of course, but this victory was the first that Bonnie, then a newly-minted lawyer, had a claim to. After the verdict, she’d planned on getting in a few more hours of work, like she usually did, but Annalise insisted that they mark the occasion. 

They were side by side on the little red love seat that Annalise kept in her office, laughing and drinking champagne like friends instead of just colleagues when Annalise said, "what would I do without you?" 

Before Bonnie could minimize her contribution, the other woman put a finger on her lips, silencing her protests. 

"Take the compliment," Annalise insisted, but she was so close and she smelled like vanilla and cinnamon and instead of saying “thank you” like she should have, Bonnie kissed her. 

She had her tongue in her boss's mouth and she would have blamed the champagne except she'd been fantasizing about doing this for months. She was so shocked by her own boldness that at first she didn’t notice that Annalise wasn't just enduring the kiss. She'd turned it into a sweeping argument, nipping at Bonnie's bottom lip and raking nails along her scalp.

When Bonnie pulled away, Annalise looked at her with the same expression she got when faced with an especially challenging case. It was equal parts determination, enthusiasm and desire. Bonnie decided that knowing what it was like to be looked at that way was worth any potential consequences. (By then Bonnie was pretty sure Annalise wasn't going to have a moral freak out over fucking her subordinate, which was a good thing because she wanted to keep her job but oh God she wanted this too.)

They both frantically went to work at buttons and zippers. Soon Annalise’s top was unbuttoned to her waist and Bonnie’s skirt was on the floor. They made out with the zeal of horny teenagers on prom night and Bonnie wished she could bottle the way Annalise smelled and keep it with her for the lonely nights. 

Annalise pushed her toward the desk. Bonnie reached for the files on top of it, tossing them to the floor. When she turned back, she could tell that her boss had been staring at her ass. 

Bonnie knew she wasn't sexy and under normal circumstances she hated being looked at, but the way Annalise’s eyes were roaming her body made her feel powerful and desired. 

She laid back on the smooth, cool top of the desk and looked up at Annalise. She maintained their eye contact as she stretched her arms over her head, letting her blouse ride up to expose the pale flesh of her waist above her underwear. Annalise smiled all perfect white teeth and Bonnie wished she was a camera.

In sex as in court, Annalise was aggressive and perceptive. She wasted no time, giving the blonde's breasts a perfunctory caress through her top before moving downward. Her hand was a stark contrast to Bonnie's pale green underwear, and it fit the curve of her perfectly, the heel pressing against her pubic bone as fingers ventured lower. 

Annalise stopped kissing her and pulled back slightly. Bonnie felt like she was being studied, puzzled out. Being seen so thoroughly was as much of a turn on as it was terrifying.

The hand slipped in between her skin and underwear, fingers seeking and veering away, then searching again. She wanted direct contact, swiveled her hips trying to get it, but Annalise laid her unoccupied hand on Bonnie’s stomach and restrained her with the lightest of pressure. She could have moved if she’d wanted to, but she forced herself to lay back, flat on the desk, as Annalise traced lazy circles around her clit. 

When she finally delved deeper, Bonnie moaned. Practiced fingers dipped inside her, sliding through her folds to tease at her opening. Part of her hated how content Annalise seemed to torture her, giving her a taste of what she wanted but never enough. Bonnie was desperate for her to stop holding back and take her for real, but didn’t dare say that. She was lucky to be in this position at all; if Annalise wanted her, she’d have her, however she chose to. 

That ideal was tested when Annalise knelt in front of her (because who was she to deserve such a thing) but even though Bonnie tensed up, she knew better than to protest. She buried her feelings of unworthiness as deep as they would go. Insistent fingers dragged her underwear down to her ankles. There was a mouth on her hip, leaving a trail of tiny kisses down her inner thigh. Soon Annalise was using her tongue to tease instead of her fingertips. Bonnie propped herself up on her elbows so she could watch, trying to commit every movement, every time their eyes met, to memory.

She didn't realize how loud she was until Annalise looked up at her and quipped, "I guess I should be glad Sam has a late class." Bonnie was mortified, but the embarrassment shifted quickly into anger. She hated that Sam existed at all, that Annalise would probably never touch her this way again, and that the woman would be insensitive enough to bring up her husband while kneeling between Bonnie's thighs.

“That wasn’t your cue to start overthinking things,” Annalise muttered. “Are you mad?”

“No. Yes. I’d just rather not think about Sam.”

“That makes two of us.”

Bonnie was so wet that when Annalise's fingers pressed into her, they slid in easily and deep. She'd thought what the other woman was doing with her mouth was magical, but the addition of the slow, rhythmic finger fucking drove all thought from her mind.

Bonnie watched the movements of hand and tongue as a delicious pressure began to build in her abdomen. It ached, she ached, her entire being ached, worse and worse as Annalise continued her ministrations. Two fingers became three, filling her up to the breaking point, and when that clever tongue slid firmly back and forth against her clit, she groaned.

“Too much— I can’t—“ Bonnie gasped. “I’m sorry.” 

Annalise pulled away and stood between Bonnie’s knees, threading her left hand through strands of blonde hair and bringing their lips together. 

“Don’t apologize,” she murmured, pressing her forehead against Bonnie’s as her fingers skimmed the curve of her vulva, dipping gently inside. “Better?”

Bonnie nodded, and then those perfect fingers were slipping inside her. She was sensitive and it rode the edge of too much, but this was what Annalise wanted from her. Bonnie was desperate not to let her down, so she bit her lip and willed herself not to flinch.

Annalise’s fingers filled her. Bonnie felt the ache inside her growing again, so she pushed her hips forward to meet Annalise’s movements, which grew more forceful in response. She moaned, even louder than before, but then that brilliant tongue was thrusting into her mouth, stifling the sound. 

She could taste herself and she couldn't help but imagine Annalise kissing Sam, her mouth still stained with Bonnie's pleasure. The thought should have made her disgusted at what they were doing, but she liked it. She should have stopped everything, shouldn’t have let them do this thing in the first place. She knew it made them terrible people, but this might be all she ever had. 

The consequences would be what they were, but no matter what happened, she’d have this moment to cling to. 

“You’re gorgeous when you’re about to come,” the other woman murmured. “How close are you?”

Bonnie froze. “I— I don’t know. It takes— It might not… I’m sorry.”

“I told you to stop apologizing.” Annalise pursed her lips in thought. “Give me your hand.”

“Why?”

“You’ll see.”

Bonnie felt the fingers inside her pulling away. Annalise grasped her hand with slick fingers and then guided it downward. 

“Show me what you like,” she instructed, positioning Bonnie’s hand on top of her own. 

The blonde flushed a deep scarlet and didn’t move for several long moments before finally starting to tentatively move the other woman’s fingers. Annalise caught on to the firm circular motion quickly, but objected when Bonnie started to take her own hand away.

“Keep it there. I want you to take over for a little while.”

Bonnie was confused but did as she was told. She slid her fingers against her clit while Annalise ventured lower, pushing into her. They moved in tandem and she felt herself relaxing into it again. 

“Don’t come until I tell you to.”

“What?”

“You heard me. You don’t get to come until I let you.” She ignored Bonnie’s confused look and continued. “How long have you wanted this?”

“A long time.”

Annalise chuckled. “No. Be specific. When was the first time you thought about what it would feel like to have my fingers inside you?”

Bonnie breathed deeply, ripples of pleasure coursing through her. “When I was an L1. The first time you said, ‘Excellent work, Ms. Winterbottom.’”

“You’ve been wanting this for three years?”

“Yes,” the blonde admitted, teeth pressing into her lower lip as she fought to keep herself away from the edge.

“And how often did you imagine me doing this to you?” Annalise asked quietly, a smile playing on her lips.

“Every day.”

“When you imagined it, was it like this?”

“No. This is better.” Bonnie shuddered. “Please, Annalise…”

“No. Not yet.” Annalise smiled at the other woman’s whine of protest. “Tell me about the things you fantasize about.”

“I don’t know. This.”

“If you don’t have a better answer than that, I’m not going to let you come at all.”

Bonnie searched her brain, all her fantasies near forgotten in the reality of the moment, until she came up with what she hoped would be a suitable response. “I fantasize about kneeling at your feet and doing everything you tell me to.”

“Much better. I think I’d like you on your knees,” Annalise purred, and Bonnie almost couldn’t keep herself together. She teetered on the edge until the other woman took pity on her and said, “Say please and then you can come.”

“Please Annalise, please…” Bonnie’s fantasies had never involved begging, but she knew they would from then on. Annalise inclined her head slightly, granting permission, and the blonde felt herself starting to come apart. 

Just when Bonnie thought it couldn't get any better, the words "good girl" were breathed into her ear and she came so hard it felt like she was just one giant raw nerve. Her body jerked over and over as her vagina throbbed and sang around Annalise's fingers. 

She called out for God and Annalise in the same breath, and in that moment she wasn't sure they were separate entities. She buried her face in the crook of Annalise’s neck as the orgasm crashed through her. The curve of Bonnie's back was slick with sweat and tears were rolling down her face. She thrashed and whimpered and then slumped against the other woman, trembling and exhausted.

Annalise held her as both of their breathing slowed. "You okay?" She asked several minutes later, gently brushing damp strands of strawberry blonde hair off Bonnie's face.

“Yes.” Bonnie said, but the truth wasn’t so simple. 

She didn't tell Annalise that she'd never been with a woman before. She also didn't say that it was the first time she'd been able to come with anyone, ever. She tried not to worry about how those things were related, and if they meant that she preferred women or just that she was in love with this one.

A tiny voice inside Bonnie began to whisper that Annalise would regret this, but the other woman was looking at her fondly. 

Annalise kissed her gently and buttoned her shirt. She smoothed her hair and smiled at her.

Bonnie didn't know if she was gay, but she had no doubt that she would die or kill for this woman without a moment's hesitation.

"You should go. Sam will be home soon."

"Of course," the blonde agreed. She had her skirt back on and her coat in her arms when she heard the front door open.

"Sorry I'm late. Class ran over," Sam explained, kissing his wife hello. “Celebrating?” he asked, gesturing to the empty bottle of champagne.

“We won the Davis case,” Bonnie offered, grabbing the bottle and taking it to the kitchen. 

“Bonnie won it for us,” Annalise countered, regaling Sam with the tale of how Bonnie caught the prosecution’s star witness in a lie. 

“I’m just glad you’ve finally found an associate who might hold a candle to your brilliance, Annie.” Sam smiled at Bonnie and she flushed with guilt. “You need a ride? I wouldn’t want her to have to get out of bed to bail you out if they pick you up on a DUI.”

“I’ve sobered up. Plus I’m sure the two of you want to relax.”

Annalise started to agree, but Sam said, “We both want to be 100% sure you get home safe” and Bonnie felt like she had to accept.

The drive was short. Sam kept light conversation going with only minimal contributions from Bonnie until they pulled up in front of her building. It was an inexpensive high rise mostly favored by Middleton students, but since she spent most of her time working it suited her just fine.

“Thank you for the ride.” As she reached for the door, Sam touched her arm in a way that made her shiver involuntarily.

“It’s great having you around the house, Bon,” he murmured, sliding his hand up her arm. He brushed her long hair back over her shoulder. “You’re really coming into your own. I’m proud of you for all the work you’ve done.” 

Bonnie didn’t know what to say so she waited. Sam brought both of his hands up, cupping her face, and before she could protest he was kissing her.

It was different than kissing Annalise. Annalise kissed like she might devour Bonnie’s soul, long and deep and probing. With Sam, it was more overtly sexual, his tongue thrusting into her mouth as one hand dropped to caress her breast. He lightly pinched one of her nipples through her blouse. The unexpected sensation shocked Bonnie out of the moment and she pushed him away. 

“Sam, I— how could you do this to her?” she stammered, grabbing her satchel and reaching for the door handle.

“We have an arrangement,” he said firmly. Bonnie eyed him suspiciously. On one hand, she wanted that to be true, because it meant she might get to touch Annalise one day. But Bonnie’s gut reaction was almost never wrong, and although she couldn’t say why, she could tell Sam was lying. 

“I’m sorry. You might be okay with that, but I… I can’t.” 

He smiled and shrugged. “You can’t blame a guy for trying. You’re smart and you’re beautiful, Bonnie,” Sam said. 

Bonnie’s brain flashed on an image of herself, naked, pinned between Sam and Annalise and she hated how much the idea intrigued her. 

“Thank you for the ride,” she repeated evenly. 

“Hey Bon? Maybe we could keep what happened just now between us?”

“I thought you had an arrangement.”

“It’s don’t ask, don’t tell.”

Bonnie shrugged and got out of the car. She walked up the three flights of stairs to her tiny apartment, wondering what she’d gotten herself into. 

The next morning, Bonnie went to work like nothing was different. For about a week it even seemed like that was true, but then everything was different in ways she hadn’t anticipated. Sam was still friendly to her, and neither of them brought up the kiss in the car, but Annalise was cold, distant and harsh. Bonnie wasn’t sure what she was being blamed for, but she knew there must have been a reason for the shift. 

She didn’t dare bring it up, not with Annalise barely letting her get out the details of a case without a cutting remark.

Eventually it started to feel normal. Bonnie tried to put the way things were before out of her mind. She grew numb to her boss’s criticisms, although after the particularly bad moments she still locked herself in the bathroom to cry in private. She always got up, dusted herself off and worked harder, but she was never good enough to make Annalise smile at her like she had that night. That smile, the praise, the way her body shuddered when she came in the other woman’s arms— it all started to feel like an improbable dream. 

Real or not, sometimes she wanted that again so much that it broke her. Those days, Bonnie wrapped herself in the memory of Annalise touching her like she was precious. It gave her the strength she needed to get up the next morning and start again.

She wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

She was 36 the second time it happened. The memory of the first time had burned inside her for years, but it stopped being enough the day Annalise betrayed her.

Bonnie drank half a bottle of vodka and prepared herself for war. She pulled no punches, winding up for a killing blow that was the worst thing she could imagine.

“I wish it had been you that they killed in this house. Not Sam.”

It was a lie, and they both knew it, but it was a lie that Bonnie wielded like a weapon. She wanted to hurt. She wanted push Annalise so far that she’d take a swing at her. A black eye, a bloody lip, or a handprint on her cheek might help her skin match her shredded psyche. She would make Annalise face what she’d done. 

Annalise's posture changed as the words landed. Bonnie braced herself for a slap or a fist, but suddenly she was pinned against the wall, the other woman's body pressing against her. It shouldn’t have been a turn on, but the sheer proximity and that half-remembered scent of vanilla and Annalise was intoxicating. A shapely thigh slipped between Bonnie’s legs and she whimpered. 

“I should have fired you the moment I realized you spread your legs for me to get to my husband.”

The words cut Bonnie to the core. She forced herself to look Annalise in the eye as she replied. “Your husband was a liar and a cheater who got a twenty year old girl pregnant and then strangled her to death to hide what he’d done. What I did with you had nothing to do with him.”

“Do not lie to me. We both know you’ve been in love with Sam for years.”

“You’re a brilliant lawyer but you’re myopic and delusional if you think Sam was the Keating I wanted.”

“Shut up.”

“But you’re right. I should have picked him. He tried, that night, when he drove me home. He wanted to fuck me and I should have let him. He wouldn’t have touched me like it meant something. Sam wouldn’t have pretended that I was anything but a good time.” 

Strong fingers wrapped around Bonnie’s throat. (Not for the first time, she thought it would be a relief to have the choice to die taken out of her hands.)

Annalise’s eyes were searching her face as if there might be some vital clue inscribed there in a secret code. Bonnie could see the war raging within her. She felt her struggling with the temptation to lash out, to obliterate. 

“You've spent years tearing me apart. Finish the job," Bonnie gasped as the other woman’s grip tightened. "We both know which one of us is the real monster.”

Bonnie closed her eyes and waited. Her brain swam with images that were years out of date. Dark brown eyes cataloguing her every reaction, tasting herself on full, gentle lips, Annalise on her knees even though a woman like that shouldn’t kneel before anyone, Sam’s tongue in her mouth in the car and his eyes on her a week later when she told him she wouldn’t be coming to him for therapy anymore, being berated by the woman she adored and then crying in the bathroom at work, the words “good girl” in her ear and curves pressed against her, like now but so very different. 

Bonnie felt the hands on her neck relax and she took a shaky breath and opened her eyes. Feeling her lungs fill with air was almost a disappointment. 

All the fight rushed out of her when she exhaled. The blonde slumped back against the wall and when she spoke, her voice was quiet and small. “You fucked me against your desk like it was nothing, Annalise. But it wasn’t nothing to me. You were the first… I hadn’t…” Bonnie looked up at the ceiling, trying to contain the tears that were welling up, closing her eyes bitterly when she felt them spill over. “I trusted you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. I loved you, and now you’ve ruined me.” She set her jaw, her voice growing firm. “And the worst part is, I still do. I love you, and I hate you, and I don’t know which feeling is bigger.” It was a lie, and from the way Annalise looked at her, Bonnie suspected she knew that.

She watched Annalise process the idea for a moment before the other woman pulled her in and kissed her passionately. Remembering hurt like a fist, but suddenly they were seven years ago and stripping off each other’s clothes like they were on fire. Bonnie kicked off her shoes and Annalise started to edge her toward the desk, but Bonnie pushed back. 

“No. Not this time,” she said, reversing their positions. Annalise’s fingers were in her hair and her tongue was in her mouth and it was so distracting Bonnie could barely concentrate on shoving Annalise’s skirt and panties off her hips. 

“You think telling me you hate me means you get to be in charge?”

“I think this—“ Bonnie said as her fingers circled Annalise’s clit, pleased at the resulting gasp, “— means I’m in charge.” She stood between Annalise’s thighs and toyed with her, alternating between directed strokes and the lightest teasing. 

“You’re awful.” Annalise grumbled as Bonnie’s fingers skimmed either side of her slit. 

“Then tell me to stop,” came the retort as fingers pressed inside. Bonnie watched the growing pleasure that was etching itself on Annalise’s face. She braced her free hand against the desk and began to slowly thrust. 

Their rhythm grew quickly, far too quickly for Bonnie’s taste. After seven years of imagining this moment, she was finally feeling Annalise’s movements against her becoming urgent, but something was missing. Bonnie watched the other woman’s face with detachment, wondering why she felt like she was simply going through the motions. 

It was nothing like the delicious abandon she’d felt all those years ago, and Bonnie wasn’t quite sure why until she felt a familiar touch at the apex of her thighs. 

“Do it,” she ordered. Annalise murmured in approval and found a firm circular stroke that made the blonde moan. 

“You’re easy, Bonnie. All I need to do is play with your clit and make you beg to come and you’ll do anything I say.”

“I seem to remember you being the one who liked hearing me beg.”

“That might be true. I liked you coming all over my hands more, though.”

Bonnie spread her legs to straddle the other woman’s thigh, gasping as Annalise took the opportunity to thrust inside her. She tried to focus on coaxing Annalise closer to her peak, but it grew difficult as a flush ran through her and their movements became frantic. 

“You’re already close,” Annalise mused. “Screaming at me turns you on?”

“Shut up.”

“How many times have you fucked yourself and pretended your fingers were mine?” The smirk was evident in her voice as she curved her fingers and pressed on the front wall of Bonnie’s vagina.

“Shut up,” the blonde hissed as she mirrored Annalise’s movement, prompting a throaty growl. 

They moved against each other, fingers pushing and stroking, each one fighting to hold off until the other climaxed. Bonnie was doubting her ability to resist when she felt Annalise beginning to contract around her. She watched Annalise’s face, trying to memorize it before her own orgasm crashed through her. 

When Annalise quietly asked “You okay?” a few minutes later, Bonnie realized she was back in the chair she’d been waiting in. For a moment, she wondered if she’d imagined the encounter, but a glance over at a flushed, disheveled Annalise reassured her otherwise. 

“No. Not really.”

Annalise reached for the mostly empty bottle of vodka on the desk and poured herself a glass. She offered it to Bonnie, who shook her head. 

“It was a Wednesday.”

“What was?”

“The first time it happened. We were celebrating.”

Annalise nodded and leaned against the desk. “The Davis case.”

“So what happens now?” Bonnie looked at Annalise, whose brow wrinkled in confusion. “Will it be another seven years before we talk about this?”

“You consider what we just did ‘talking’?” 

Bonnie smiled in spite of herself, then grew serious. “Annalise…”

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“You heard me. For the Asher thing. Don’t make me say it again.” 

“Okay.” She waited, acutely aware of Annalise’s gaze on her. “What now? Would you like me to go?”

“Nothing happened between you and Sam.” It was a statement, but Bonnie heard the question inside of Annalise.

“He kissed me that night when he drove me home. He wanted more, and told me the two of you had an agreement, but I told him I couldn’t. And then he kissed me again the night he died. That was it.” She shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable. “He was my therapist.”

A short laugh. “Well, he was my therapist too. Why do you think I thought he was fucking you?” 

“If you thought he crossed the line, why punish me?”

“It wasn’t really about him. I cared about you, so I pushed you away. It’s what I do.” Annalise gripped the edge of the desk. “I torture the people I love.”

The implication hit Bonnie square in the chest and she flushed, then turned and pulled Annalise into a tight embrace. She felt her tense, but she held on until the other woman’s hands came up to tentatively rest on her back. 

“Please don’t hate me,” Annalise murmured.

“I don’t. I can’t. No matter how much I might want to, I can’t.” Bonnie sighed. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Don’t apologize. You’re only half the problem.” Annalise pulled away. “I’m exhausted and I’m going to bed.”

“Okay.” Bonnie watched as Annalise walked away, turning back to her at the foot of the stairs. 

“You can stay if you want to, but you have to be up and dressed before Frank and the kids get here tomorrow.”

“Of course. On the couch?” 

Bonnie held her breath as Annalise seemed to contemplate the question.

“If you’d like to stay upstairs, I could be convinced.” She came back over and brushed Bonnie’s hair back behind her ear before gently stroking down her cheek and jawline. 

“And how would I convince you?” The blonde tilted her head into the touch and let her eyes drift closed. 

“You can start by getting down on your knees and asking very, very nicely.”


End file.
